Starring Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter and Diedrich Bader. Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. 85 Minutes. PG
Someone had to do it. They were asking for it. I mean, those Twi-hards are just too easy of a target. Sure, there have already been countless spoofs and punchlines but Edward’s cherry lips and Kristen Stewart’s bad acting are more than enough for feature-length mockery. Although even the coolest of us were fangirls at some point, it’s just too much fun to laugh at the sight of girls crying and swooning over a sparkley, sickly-pale dude and a cheesy beefcake.
Too bad Vampires Suck fails to hit the seemingly simple mark. The film follows the same train as the other parodies Friedberg and Seltzer are knows for: Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie. Again, it’s a series of sketches based around a loose storyline. And like the others, most jokes are so over-the-top that they aren’t funny. As usual, you don’t get the jokes unless you know what they’re parodying, which means that if you hate the Twilight series and would love nothing more than to spend an hour an a half laughing at the obsessive fans, you can’t. So in other words, the biggest jokes are missed by those who would have laughed the hardest.
Not that the story is important, but Becca (Jenn Proske) has just moved to a new town with her dad (Diedrich Bader) where she meets and falls in love with vampire Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and becomes friends with Jacob White (Chris Riggi), who both tag along with the ridiculous plot line and unfunniness.
It’s tough to mention any of the over-scripted jokes when none of them were really memorable. Some blood jokes, some emotional teen jokes, Gaga, Jersey Shore, blah blah. What was memorable though were appearances by MADtv alum Crista Flanagan and Ike Barinholtz, who, for their very short scenes, didn’t suck like the rest of the film. Well, didn’t suck as badly.
Anyway, if you want to see how a Twilight parody is done, check out Jimmy Fallon’s Bothered sketches, don’t waste your time straining this film for a laugh – if you’re lucky enough to even get one. D