Since post-secondary school is starting up again tomorrow, let’s look back at the best of the worst collegiate flicks.
5) Sydney White
Remember when Amanda Bynes said she was retiring from acting for like five minutes this year? She said it was because she had fallen out of love with acting. But I think it was really a result of her checking her IMDB page and realizing this overwhelmingly awful piece of undergraduate fluff was her last big movie. Sydney White is a post-secondary take on Snow White. Except, in this case instead of week’s worth of dwarfs, the title character has seven dorks on her side. It gets worse (or is it more awesome?). The Evil Queen is replaced by a bitchy, blonde sorority girl (Sara Paxton) and her magic mirror becomes a “Hot or Not” website poll. And just wait ’til you see how they manipulate the poison apple plot. Let’s just say, when you’re in a mediocre modern-day fairytale, it helps to have a PC.
4) Teen Wolf Too
Jason Bateman wasn’t always the man. But he was a wolf man – in the terribly awesome masterpiece, Teen Wolf Too. Yes, I said Teen Wolf Too. Not Two. If you think the title’s bad in a totally pun-derful way (yes, I also just said pun-derful), just wait until you see Jason’s laser pointer fake red eyes and dime store beard. Or hear the story, which is an exact replica of the original, moved to a state college dorm.
3) Dead Man on Campus
When Zack Morris went to college on Saved by the Bell, he got semi-good grades by befriending his professor (even though, he was sorta dating his high school sweetheart and eventual wife, Kelly Kapowski) and sometimes even cracking open a textbook (usually to woo a hot librarian type girl). In Dead Man on Campus, the man who played Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) tries to get good grades by finding the roommate most likely to off himself. Apparently, students with suicidal roommates gets automatic “Grief A’s.” I can only wonder what lame punishment Big Bopper – er, Mr. Belding – would have given him for that sick scheme. Well, after he laughed his suited-up ass off in the most perfectly uncomfortable way.
2) The House Bunny
Anna Faris knows terribly awesome like the back of her tiny, tanned hands. As the Sidney Prescott of the Scary Movie series, she got a whole lotta experience with crappy stories and lame jokes. But none of those paradoxical parodies are nearly as fun as the sorority silliness that is The House Bunny. The way-funny flick features Faris as Shelly, a former playmate who is forced to become a house mother to a group of alternative chicks after Hugh kicks her out of the Mansion for being 27 (ancient in bunny years). The whole thing plays out like Legally Blonde meets The Girls Next Door,which in my books is a match made in guilty-pleasure heaven.
1) Sorority Row
While everyone else was getting half-baked horror hard-ons for Final Destination 3D and Paranormal Activity last fall, this school-time slasher flick fanatic was falling head-over-party-heels for the ridiculousness that is this 80s style masked-killer thriller throwback. Starring Perez Hilton’s favourite punching bag, Rumer Willis, Audrina Patridge from The Hills and Carrie Fisher (Yes, that Carrie Fisher), Sorority Row follows a group of sorority sisters who accidentally kill one of their BFFs when a party prank goes way too far. The girls vow to keep the incident a secret, but of course, a year later someone appears and starts killing all of them off for what they did – while wearing a traditional, Greek house robe! It’s sleazy and stupid, like a sloppily drunk, half-dressed sorority sister during pledge week. You wish she wasn’t so obnoxious, but in truth, you just love watching her make a total fool of herself.
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