PRIVATE RESORT (1985)
With Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides hitting theaters this weekend, I’m sure a lot of you will be yo-ho-ing your way through your Saturday afternoon, daydreaming about throwing on a corseted frock and a feathered hat and chasing after some Jack Sparrow tail. But I’ve got something you might enjoy a whole lot more—if you can find it at your video store (if pirating was only about rhymes, I’d the biggest and baddest of all-time!).
Before Monsieur Depp (I think we can call him that considering how much time he spends avec le francais these days) jumped down from Jump Street, became Tim Burton’s male muse and made guyliner, man-tans and dirty dreds Oscar nom worthy, he was just another 80s sidekick, looking for his big break. After starting off on what I would call a totally high note (the sweater vest-rockin’ love interest in the original A Nightmare On Elm Street), the man hit rock-hard beach bum bottom with a totally ridiculous tropical-getaway sex comedy. And that totally ridiculous tropical-getaway sex comedy is Private Resort.
WHY IT’S TERRIBLE:
- Just take a look at that poster. I mean, those two guys are obviously not Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow.
- The plot is as predictable as they come—at least for an 1980s sex comedy. Basically Porky’s in Paradise. A few too-cute-to-be-striking-out-so-much young dudes (Morrow and Depp) lurk at the ladies of all ages and cup sizes like perfect pervs while on vacay at an all-inclusive in Florida… Until one of them (in this case, Morrow) falls for a semi-smart-totally-stacked girl next door type.
- This kid’s perv-in-training face. ICK.
- You get a feeling the director was striving to achieve a world record for jump cuts to T and A. At first you’re like, “Ha ha. Look at their 80s granny-waisted swimsuits!” But after the 10,000th shot—in the first three minutes—you’re more like “These ladies probably are grannies now.” And you want to vom up your PopRocks.
- These tease-happy teases are supposed to be major hotties. If they only knew the lengths they went to get that body… Cough. Cough. Sorry, I just ingested some of their leftover hairspray.
- Like every early-mid 1980s comedy, it’s rife with really random racial stereotypes and homophobic caricatures. See: the possibly-Nazi German barber, angry sumo wrestlers, ignorant Japanese tourists and Johnny’s invention of a effeminate nail artiste named Jacques. OK, that last one is kind of hilarious.
- Another awfully un-PC example: there’s a whole storyline involving this woman, who gets crazy eyes and removes her clothes in attempt to get close to her personal god, Baba Rama.
- Johnny’s character (Jack) gives Morrow’s (Ben) quaaludes so he can score with his date. They’re not roofies, but still sketchy. Even for the 1980s.
- Naturally, this grandma ends up getting a hold of Ben’s bottle of pills and turns into insta-nympho. And I’m pretty sure she’s Blanche from Grease.
- This is ACTUALLY the DVD menu. And no, I don’t have a fake eBay copy either.
WHY IT’S AWESOME!:
- Just take a look at that poster. I mean, those two guys are obviously not Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow!
- But these super sexy dudes are!
- The plot IS Porky’s in Paradise.
- The token hotel jewelry thief is played by none other than a very hairy (!) Hector Elizondo!
- And naturally, there are SEVERAL scenes dedicated to talking specifically about his manly mane. There is even a subplot about how Ben and Jack accidentally shave it off and the mourning (and awful-hat-wearing) that follows.
- Oh, and his character’s name is definitely “The Maestro.”
- There is some dead-serious talk about playing a game entitled “Peek-a-Boobie.”
- According to the trailer, this is meant to be the finale of the epic saga that includes the equally poignant Private School and Private Lessons.
- Hey angry bald dudes, how’s about a elevator-bound Mexican standoff that keeps getting interrupted by bikini-clad beauty queens and the surfer dudes that want to bang them?!
- Andrew (pre-Dice) Clay playing a misogynistic douche?!
- Ben and his love interest fall in love over the course of one afternoon—and fun activity montage!
- This is the film that launched Morrow’s (Northern Exposure, and uh, yeah that’s pretty much it) long-running career.
- WHO WEARS SHORT-SHORTS?!
- The DVD tagline: “Where every room has a great view.”
- INDEED. (Note: This scene is not nearly as homoerotic as it looks. Sorry, ladies – and gents.)