For this Cinefille, football movies are automatic touchdowns (Remember the Titans may have been my all-time favourite movie from Grade 7 to Grade 9). They are always drama-filled, slightly violent and feature a handful of good-looking dudes in tight shiny pants. And unlike actual football games, they’re super fast-paced, cutting right to the stuff that matters – the field goals and the debauchery of the dressing room celebrations that follow.
With the Super Bowl – the only tolerable pigskin-themed sporting event of the year (because of the often-uncomfortable half-time shows and chili!) – airing one week today, I thought it might be fun to give my favourite big-screen sport a pass, counting down the best football movies of all-time. But I found that way too hard. There are just so many good ones – Friday Night Lights, Any Given Sunday, Rudy, All the Right Moves, Lucas, VARSITY BLUES!
After much deliberation and rummaging through my DVD collection, I decided to offer you the next best thing …. the Cinefilles’ very own fantasy football league! Or rather, the most ballin’ film football players who don’t actually seem to play football.
5) MIKE DEXTER (Can’t Hardly Wait)
He’s a god. He’s a role model! And he’ll kick everybody’s ass in this room!
Mike Dexter is a textbook example of a species often seen in ’90s high school comedies: the douchey, yet hella popular senior quarterback (see also: Dean Sampson in She’s All That, Stifler and Oz in American Pie). His supposed team membership made him the hottest shit for four years, but as soon as he fumbled, screwing up his knee (probs partying at the pool house with some imaginary, but really hot twins) and thus, losing his scholarship, his life turned to actual shit. Or so we’re told.
4) RANDALL “PINK” FLOYD (Dazed and Confused)
By the time we caught up with Mr. Floyd and his stoner buddies on their last day of school before summer, the hip, hip ladies man had already decided to hang up his helmet. When his coach asked him to sign a waver stating he would give up drugs, he decided to give up the game for good instead. And honestly, I’m glad he did. With his lanky frame, David Cassidy hair and love of shell necklaces, he seems better suited to getting high (and getting laid) than getting touchdowns.
3) ANDREW CLARK (The Breakfast Club)
During his limited time on screen, we saw Andrew him smoke a lot of grass, but we never saw him tackle anyone onto it. And it’s still kinda unclear what sports this so-called “Athlete” played. But considering that his scary controlling pops — the one who would have been proud to hear he taped some underclassman’s buns together — was a star quarterback back in his day, you can assume he spent some time on the field. Also, what other sport would require you to eat two sandwiches, an apple, a whole bag of chips and a box of cookies for lunch?
2) JOHNNY UTAH (Point Break)
So what if he’s retired? The point is, he was once a legend, and uses this status to help him go deep undercover with a gang of surfing bank robbers led by Patrick Swayze. If that’s not enough to make you want him on your metaphorical team, then you shouldn’t even be picking.
1) THE DEAD FOOTBALL TEAM (Beetlejuice)
These recently deceased dudes have all the right moves. Literally. They will dance on command to “Jump in the Line.” Fucking champions.