BY ARIANA POTICHNYJ
Date released: October 1st, 1974
Date watched: January 2nd, 2013
Why now? Nothing says the holiday season quite like a horror movie in my apartment. Some people like to hang stockings by the chimney with care, while I’m more of an arms and legs kind of gal.
This Friday, Texas Chainsaw 3D is being added to the Texas Chainsaw franchise.I probably won’t see it because I can’t watch 3D movies (with my inability to see in 3D at all), but I must admit I was intrigued when I heard about it and reminded that I have yet to seen the original film. (Blasphemy!)
Why not then? Then, as in the 70s? Well, mostly due to my mother being a 10-year-old at the time. As for why it took me so long to make it a notch in my dirty horror movie bedpost, I will tell a short tale about this film and its relation to someone in my family.
Now, my stepfather is a large fellow, tall and wide. I have learned a lot about rough-housin’, trouble-makin’, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre from him. It was the film that single-handedly scared my rough’n’tough stepfather away from horror movies for the rest of his life. Growing up in a house where horror movies were best watched at a friend’s or never, it does not surprise me that it took this long for me to see this one.
- All right, from Chris’ absolute horror and aversion to this film, I expected this to be the scariest movie of all time. Although, part of me knew it could not be that frightening, otherwise they wouldn’t have released it.
- Blood. Blood everywhere. Rivers of blood, Moses-style (but without the actual Biblical connotations). And fake. Very campy blood splatters.
- A visually drab movie with really ugly costume selections.
- A bunch of actors that I am not going to recognize to save my life.
- Lots of that good, old-fashioned, eardrum-bursting screaming.
- Horror genres “rules”, like the virgin living and people, for some reason, hiding in closets and small dark spaces before being brutally murdered, coming to life.
- A plethora of corpses.
What I actually got:
- Leatherface! In all of his beautiful, murderous glory.
- The birthplace of the slasher genre. At first I was grossly disappointed, sitting in my bed and yelling things like, “I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, CHAINSAW!” Then I started realizing that I expect these elements in a slasher movie because of this movie. Boy, did I feel foolish.
- Lord Zedd from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers! Uh. I mean, The Hitchhiker!
- An actual lack of on-screen killing or blood. I mean, it’s not entirely bloodless, but I thought this was going to be like a sea of blood and guts. Like some sort of Saw meets Oklahoma!, minus the singing. Super pleasantly surprised with that directorial choice.
One night-in or second date potential? This movie would be best watched as a part of a marathon, or for the first time. That’s not to say it is a bad stand alone film. In fact, I would curl up with Leatherface again for a night-in. And unlike some 53-year-old man who married my mother, I will not have to bring a change of underwear for the second date.
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