BY SARAH EVANS
Good news everybody: Arnold Schwarzenegger is still alive and his movies are better than ever! Not.
Yes, he’s alive and well, but his new film is but a painful apparition of his past. Was I expecting cinematic gold? Not at all. To be fair, I realize some action movies strive to be cheesy, and that’s half the entertainment, but I’m pretty sure there were times I was laughing when I shouldn’t have been while watching The Last Stand.
Schwarzenegger plays Ray, an old retired LAPD Narcotics Officer who is now the sheriff of an little old border town. Alongside him is his inexperienced staff, including Luiz Guzman (welcome back), who seem to be more of a headache than help. Oh, and Johnny Knoxville who plays the village idiot with an affinity for firearms (in other words, himself).
Somehow this group of misfits, with the help of their noble sheriff, must go head-to-head with a powerful drug lord who is trying to cross the border through their town. They’re also trying to prove to the LAPD, led by Forest Whitaker, that they aren’t just a bunch of bum town hicks. They’re just as good as any SWAT Team if not better! Come on!
You can probably already guess what happens throughout this film. I don’t even have to tell you. The plot is THAT obvious. Well, the action probably makes up for it right? No. No amount of action could drown out the pain of watching this movie. By the time I watched the tenth person get shot in the head, I was gone … far away to a distant corner of my mind where Arnold’s boobies aren’t so saggy. However, I reminded myself that this movie might have been good if it were 1983 and I was a 14 year-old boy or a huge Arnie fan. At least Forest is keeping with his Criminal Minds role in this film. Nothing to lose there!
In any case, if you’re amused by ultra corny lines of dialogue and some pretty illogical action sequences, watch this movie. Watch it again and again and again to your hearts content. Unfortunately, I can’t do it without rolling my eyes so far back into my head, that I can see the frontal lobes of my brain.
Sarah is coupon writer by day and a freelance photographer/writer by night in the Ottawa region. Her all time favourite movie is The Exorcist and she cries in almost every sad scene in a movie no matter how bad it is.