BY ASHLEY KOWALEWSKI
Where to even begin with this movie? From the first three and a half minutes I already knew this movie was effed up. (Like, seriously effed up.)
This is what I gathered from the movie: Syd March works for The Lucas Clinic, which extracts viruses from sick and STI-ridden celebrities and sells these viruses to celeb-crazy consumers who want to feel a “connection” with their favourite celeb. One guy even buys some chick’s herpes. Weird, right? Just wait… it gets better. Before leaving work, Syd injects himself with one of the viruses and then goes home to this machine, which I can only describe as a doodad, that once again extracts it so that he can sell it on the celebrity black market without being detected. Wait, wait! It gets even better! There’s this hotshit celeb named Hannah Geist that gets sick and Syd gets sent to go buy her virus, but gives it to himself and then ends up getting sick with the virus that kills Hannah Geist. See? Effed up, right?
I won’t spoil the end because, well, full disclosure: I didn’t finish watching it. I was so confused slash disturbed slash repulsed by everything in the movie that I gave up with like 30 minutes left and started writing this.
What I WILL say about this movie is that it is a reflection on how we treat the celeb culture these days and how high on a pedestal we put these nobodies (don’t get this confused with REAL celebrities. I’m talking about people that have no recognizable talent other than standing in a way that perfectly accentuates their derriere. Cough, cough, Kim K, cough). The (only) interesting aspect about this movie was to see how blatantly obsessed the characters were with celebrities in this flick–constantly watching “breaking news” that showed nothing but footage of Aria Noble’s “anus ordeal” on repeat.
Also, if you don’t like needles or seeing needles get injected up close, then this movie is really not for you. I haaaaate needles and I had to turn my hide every five minutes for what felt like the first half of the movie.
Oh, hey, remember the chick that plays Charlie’s mom in The Santa Clause? Well, she’s in this. That was pretty cool.
All in all, if this is the flick that is representing Canadian film as a whole, then we’re in trouble.
Ashley Kowalewski is an editorial assistant and freelance writer based in Toronto. She has enough nail polish to last a lifetime, reads too much for her own good, and is hopelessly in love with Matt Damon (and his bad movies, too). Follow her @AshKowalewski.