BY ARIANA POTICHNYJ
Having just spent a semester doing a directed readings course in comic books, I find myself wanting to see a lot of movies that may never come into fruition (no one ever listens to my great ideas). Well, the world will listen up now, because I’m gonna go full supervillain monologue in this Gimme 5, so go find yourselves a sidekick and let’s do this.
5) Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy
This villainous buddy comedy has been planned in my head for years. When The Dark Knight Rises was first coming up in conversation, everyone was buzzing with who would be playing the big villains. Foolishly, I thought that perhaps we could see Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend (whom I always pictured being played by Kristen Bell), tearing apart Gotham in a fit of rage. And perhaps, along the way, she would run into her long-time gal pal and femslash partner, Poison Ivy (Christina Hendricks — I know right, it would be brilliant). Together, they could torture Gotham and Batman and perhaps, just once, we could have some strong female characterization in a Chris Nolan movie. Unfortunately for the world, Nolan does this thing where all his women either need to die or need to be accessories to Batman, so we never got to see the Thelma and Louise duo that could have been Ivy and Harley. Perhaps somewhere in the future, someone will use them to challenge the male gaze, but it’s the comic book industry, so I highly doubt that.
4) The Superman of Superman: Red Son (or Супирман Червоний Син)
In Superman: Red Son, Big Blue comes flying down to Earth from outer space a few hours late, so instead of winding up in the old U S of A, he lands in Soviet Russia. Brought up by the Soviets, Superman becomes the hero of the Communist State. It would be super interesting to have the entire cast be Eastern European and to shoot it in a similar style to traditional Eastern European/Russian cinema. A foreign superhero movie would bring a lot of attention, and wouldn’t be as difficult to market in the former USSR. Some cities in the area refused to release Captain America because, well, it’s Captain America. If DC could get the cast and the crew to do this movie, it would be a first in the popular superhero genre, and it would definitely push the boundaries of the Superman we all know.
3) Crime Does Not Pay characters
Crime Does Not Pay is a series of comics that depict true stories of violence, murder and horror. Or at least, that’s what the covers all seem to say. Although, Crime Does Not Pay would make an amazing Saturday morning cartoon (akin to that of Tales from the Crypt Keeper, just more bloody), the comics provide years of material for a series of short films or a series of crime dramas. Mr. Crime, the ghostly narrator, who is a ghost-onification of crime itself, comes in and out of the comics, but wouldn’t quite fit in the film adaptations. It would also give a lot of aging action actors a lot of work, considering they all look like the criminals and villains of CDNP comics.
2) The Archie gang
Hear me out, son. We all remember Josie and the Pussycats, which became a cult favourite almost instantly. If an Archie movie was written in the same fashion (i.e. not taking itself very seriously), then the movie could be a lot of fun. The Riverdale citizens always manage to get themselves into some sort of goofy trouble, and this movie would have everything — love triangles (a battle for the ages, really), rich people doing snooty rich people things (Mr. Lodge, I’m looking at you), and not to mention gratuitous amounts of burger eating (I’m worried about your cholesterol, Jughead). You could modernize it, or you could give it that vintage feeling that reminds people of sitting in dentist offices and reading old Archies. The idea leaves a lot to be worked with, and under the right care, it could be another cult hit.
I ask for so little from the universe, and usually, the universe spits in my face, but this time it isn’t! There seems to be a bit of buzz around everyone’s favourite douchecanoe taco enthusiast (Deadpool, not me). Wade Wilson is best known for his over-the-top ridiculousness, while managing to gruesomely kick ass and take names. This movie could have Deadpool kicking ass while singing a showtune in a frilly dress and that would still be so true to the canon that no one could complain. Deadpool is so dramatic in that thirteen-year-old-theatre-kid sort of way that you just can’t help but love him. Ryan Reynolds is already listed under the IMDB page to play Wilson, but there is no release date. And all I want is some sweet, sweet release.