Okay, full disclosure: Isa ‘n me were fully hungover talking about Episode 6 this morning and I’d like to issue an official apology if the quality is noticeably lacking this week.
Another (unknowingly omitted) thing that desperately needs mentioning is that The Motherfucking CRANBERRIES made an appearance on Kaitlyn’s one-on-one date with Jared. Everyone in the room gasped and I think the impression was one of both nostalgia and pity (Dolores, you’re better than this). I hope they were rewarded with wheelbarrows brimming with cash. We recommend pairing this recap with a large flagon of coconut water and some migraine-strength painkillers.
Claire Ward-Beveridge: This episode is no exception to the sort of recurring motif regarding Kaitlyn’s chastity. She’s constantly having to defend why she’s there. But why are we surprised?
Isa Montagnese: Yes, this show is the greatest example of the lady double standard: she must have sexual experience, must be cool and down to hang, but must not be a slut.
CWB: This episode starts off playing out the whole scene with Ian.
IM: Who reveals super quickly he’s kind of only there to campaign to be the next Bachelor, adding to his asshole-ness.
CWB: I think Kaitlyn plays it perfectly, though. She’s articulate and strong and just the right amount of pissed off.
And yeah, he’s such a piece of shite. He balloons into the most pompous, hateful schmuck so rapidly, it’s kind of beautiful.
IM: She’s so great. Just get right outta there, dude!
CWB: She literally gives the umpire thumb-jerk motion at one point. We should find a .gif of that
IM: Ha ha yes, she’s got no time for fragile man-babies.
CWB: And she’s understandably hurt as well, as anyone would be. If I was two, three white wine goblets in, I might sob a little. And then who fuckin’ swoops in for the save when she’s alone, staring pensiveley….
IM: Ugh, Nick (a.k.a. Spencer Pratt). I might hate him even more [than Ian] actually.
CWB: Who is just horny-aggressor personified.
IM: Just truly a sleaze. He’s proving himself to just be really pushy.
CWB: Completely. I mean, she wants to get laid and he’s just presenting it for her like a fuckin’ buffet.
IM: True. She keeps making out with everyone. She’s definitely got some pent-up something happening. And more power to her! Bang all those hunks!
CWB: Oh, for sure. I mean, the whole point is to get to know people romantically. It’s weird that sex is like “egads!” Gosh, is it weird? We’re talking about American Prime Time Television here.
But I wish, like our special guest viewer Trevor suggested, that there were explicit fuck-dates. Like, at the bottom of the screen it said, “Cody, 27, Safe Word: Teletubby” and all that.
IM: Ha! No tiptoeing around it. Just if you wanna, here’s a room, go at it.
CWB: Yeah exactly. Might as well see what you’re getting into.
IM: So! Ian’s out, then they have a rose ceremony anyway and Big Lips (Justin) and Sad Soccer-Hair dude (Joshua) are out too.
CWB: Yes and good riddance. It’s fine. Who cares?
IM: Agreed. Then they fly to Dublin! Yay!
CWB: P.S. Isa, have you ever been there?
IM: I’VE BEEN THERE.
CWB: Note to readers: Isa kept exclaiming at the television when she’d see a locale she’d been to. Ya little keener.
Her first one-on-one is with ol’ Pratty Pratt (Nick).
IM: Ew ew ew ew.
CWB: Which like, come on! Hannah made some good points last night about how unfair his advantage is.
IM: Oh, I totally agree! I thought the other dudes were overreacting at first, but now I’m on their side. Those two had months of chatting and getting to know each other that the other dudes will never have time to do! So it’s no wonder they’re on to the physical part. They skipped a step!
CWB: Oh completely. I bet their texting and Twitter convos were already horny and everything and now they just can’t wait to rub their pink bits on each other.
Also, it kind of feels like her bringing him back to her room was pre-planned. Like, producers involved, I mean. Am I right? Her reaction afterwards (very tipsy, blubbering) suggests otherwise, but somehow the way she suggests the idea to him in the church dinner seems … premeditated?
IM: Definitely! Seems like, “Duh, youse two are so horny for each other, we’ll allow it. Go ahead.” But also they must have really pushed to make her cry in the morning! Urgh I felt so bad for her! She’s all happy and ready to get some action and immediately, just, shame.
CWB: Oh I bet they asked just the right Qs.
IM: Yeah, man. This show is genius.
So she’s all ashamed and now calling it a mistake and Pratty is prancing around telling all the dudes that they banged. Honestly, I hate him.
CWB: Yeah he’s just awful. Did she find out that he was blabbing?
IM: Not yet … oh, but she will.
CWB: I hope it’s his undoing.
IM: Fingers crossed. Moving on, so half of them go on a straaaaange group date.
CWB: Very strange. I guess the producers have a team of PAs and location scouts to see what kinda cutesy local shit they can make everyone do. This is obviously no exception. They pop Kaitlyn in a crappy wooden casket and do a sort of Irish Wake thing where each of the dudes serenade her corpse in some manner.
IM: Super creepy. I’m not into it. But all the dudes seem to be and Toilet Snake (Ben Z.) is exceptionally into it, kicking all the dudes out and giving a real speech to her.
CWB: It’s all just kinda lame to me. Ha ha, yeah, T-Snake. His name kills me. He’s so bland.
IM: But man, he’s out for sure. She called him a teddy bear! Not gonna last.
CWB: Oh yeah, he’s not a sexual being to her.
IM: He is to me… 😉
CWB: Dude, go for it.
IM: You’re right, I should.
One thing we should mention is that last night we tried Buzzfeed’s Bachelorette drinking game! But our lovely Hannah modified it for us (there were too many rules) and we kinda only half did it.
CWB: Yeah it was a good’un. Add your own rules, too. For example: finish your drink every time a contestant suddenly either becomes desirable, or loses his desirability. Very subjective rule, but still maybe one for TRU FANZ.
IM: I’m gonna get that tattooed on my arm. We used white wine to honour Kait, the true hero of all white wine drinkers.
CWB: She’s the patron saint for a new generation. Okay, let’s wrap this up. Any final thoughts for this eppy, girl?
IM: Okay. Slut shaming is real, and it’s stupid and sad. Kait is my heroine. Dingus Nick needs to go. I love white wine.
CWB: Ha, beautiful. I’d only add that I think one thing that could keep Kaitlyn’s sanity somewhat intact is if she’s allowed to hang with a gal pal here ‘n there.
IM: Yes so true! Even a lady producer or host! She’s in a prison of meat-heads.
CWB: Truly. Okay, over and out! ‘Til next week, kittens.
Images via ABC.