This week we were very happy to have our dear pal Trevor along to re-cap with us. He’s sat through the last two weeks of this shit-show and his reactions and observations have been truly apropos for our white wine-soaked treatises. This week we saw the remaining bro-bots starting to come apart at the seams in the wake of Kaitlyn’s recent “transgression” and we were quite rapt! We recommend pairing this re-cap with 6 weeks of primal scream therapy and a Magic Bag™ on the forehead.
Trevor Dunseith: Okay, so how does this work exactly?
Claire Ward-Beveridge: We try to start off with one stand-out impression of the episode. So, I would start with TEARS.
Isa Montagnese: SHAME.
CWB: Just a steady stream of both.
TD: This show is basically the most elaborate set-up to get a woman to cry I’ve ever seen.
CWB: Well-put. And this episode had the added bonus of bro-tears. Which taste like…? Axe?
IM: Cupcake (Chris)!
TD: Cupcake’s tears taste like distilled water.
TD: Because that man does not have any life in him at all.
CWB: What’s that shit that girls on diets put into bottled water to flavour it?
IM: Crystal Lite!
CWB: Crystal Lite, yes! Cupcake’s tears taste like Crystal Lite.
TD: I feel bad for Cupcake, because he definitely thought that the Meet the Family date was going to be his A-Game.
CWB: Oh he was prepping his charm-the-mom jokes for weeks. For him, the only way to get into Kaitlyn’s pants is through her mom.
IM: His family is probably not even a family, just mannequins he sets up in his house
TD: And he does all their voices and smooshes food into their faces. “Oh now Grandma, you’ve made a mess in front of our guest!”
IM: Ha ha!
CWB: Like the Klumps. Throwing his voice & grandpa’s fart noises
TD: I also feel like his breakdown after Kaitlyn dumped him was maybe the first time he ever cried.
CWB: It was PRIMAL. He let the fuck loose. That’s like 8 months into serious therapy level crying.
IM: Oh for sure. He does everything at a 10. Smiles at a 10, cries at a 10.
TD: That’s not being sad after you came in 6th on a game show – that’s years of repression escaping at once.
CWB: Like a banshee through a cave. He jerks off at a 2, though.
IM: Ha ha, slow, sad and unenthusiastic.
CWB: Just a white little puff of baby powder escapes.
TD: Yeah, Cupcake was by far the least sexual person on that show.
IM: He’s a Ken Doll.
TD: But now we’re in hunk city, right gals?
IM: Yeah, Hunk City! Now that J.J. is gone. So who else is gone?
TD: We lost a lot of good men last night.
CWB: Trevor this isn’t ‘Nam.
TD: It was for me. Tanner and Cupcake were my dudes.
CWB: Even on the walk out of your place last night Isa, Trevor was distraught.
IM: I’m so sorry we got you into this Trevor. So, Toilet Snake (Ben Z.), Tanner, J.J. and Cupcake and that’s it?
CWB: Yeah four non-descript brunettes, basically. Were they all brown haired dudes? Maybe Kaitlyn likes flaxen-haired men.
TD: Oh but hey, it’s not all bad: Tanner and JJ are coming back for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.
CWB: Ha ha Trevor what do you call a Bachelor in Paradise?
TD: Fucksport Island?
CWB: YES. Beautiful. Sponsored by Redbull.
TD: The Bachelorette has a lot to learn from that show.
CWB: Truly. Primarily, the whole sex aspect.
IM: More fucking?
TD: There’s no focal point bachelor/bachelorette, so it’s basically one huge frat party that never ends.
CWB: Exactly. No one is sacred.
IM: I had a dream like that last night.
Okay! Can we talk about the epiphany I had last night about this show?
IM: This show isn’t about dating, it’s about breaking up. It’s non-stop breakups.
TD: GAME CHANGER. You’re so right, though. It’s break-up porn.
CWB: It’s true. It’s interesting too (and also probably somewhat obvious) that the break-ups are more and more intimate as the show goes on. She just eliminates men at the beginning by not giving them something rather than pulling them aside to hear them scream-cry into the Blarney Stone.
IM: She had four breakups yesterday and like twelve make out seshs and no real nice dates.
TD: The dates last night were the worst.
IM: Yes! I didn’t know this was a thing in this show, like “Hey, let’s go to this insanely beautiful place and I’ll tell you why you’re not good enough.”
TD: And then we’ll sit around while we wait for the boat to pick us all up.
CWB: Ok would we rather be dumped cliff-side in a warm breeze or in a dungeon?
TD: Give me the dungeon so I can go sob in the dank-ness. Yeah, those three-way dates are the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen.
IM: So sad. I was a little disappointed in J.J.’s exit. I thought he might freak a little.
CWB: Yeah, I wanted him to bite his first and shriek.
TD: So there was a shitty date to an island, a shitty date to a cliff, a shitty date driving down some
Irish highway. Am I missing any shitty dates?
IM: No, I think those are all the shit dates. And the LOOOONG chat with Schnozling (Shawn) who just… can’t… spit… it… out. Use your words Schnoz’.
CWB: My affection for him just completely evaporated this eppy. Just went up in flames.
IM: Same. Such a baby.
TD: This is how he is with every girl he meets.
CWB: I’m sure the whole experience was triggering for him and brought out the worst, but he was getting a bit aggressive.
IM: Deep down he’s a sad creature.
TD: Another big theme in this show is the men blaming Kaitlyn for their feelings.
IM: And then when she says “I feel like it was my fault” they ALWAYS say “No babe, it wasn’t…” *wink*
TD: Gaslighting Island, now on ABC.
CWB: Ha, oh my god, “Let’s gaslight this drunk bitch.”
IM: I feel like it’s easy on The Bachelor ‘cause it’s like, 12 against 1, but on The Bachelorette it just looks weird. How can she be responsible for how all those dudes feel! She’s busy! She’s got elaborate dates to plan!
TD: I was amazed at how badly I felt for poor Kaitlyn. That poor girl. Getting into this I did not expect to feel real empathy towards anyone, but here we are.
IM: Oh same. She’s got it rough. I thought, “Well, fuck all these people.” And now I just wanna hang with Kait and gab.
CWB: Well, it’s (the empathy) partly because she’s kind of floundering boldly through it which is what makes her so sympathetic and relatively real.
IM: The best part of this episode was how she had to explain to Schnoz how the show works. Like, “I will date other people. Duh.”
TD: “But it hurts so much to see you dating other people”. I’d love to see Schnoz on the price is right or something. “I just know me and that Toyota Camry are meant to be together, and it hurts seeing other people just bid on it like that”.
IM: Ha, he’s slowly losing it. But you know who isn’t flinching at all… Nick.
CWB: Nick has an icy cool psychopathic demeanor. He’s totally a Tucker Max disciple.
TD: Nick was genetically engineered to be the perfect Bachelorette contestant.
CWB: He’s a cylon.
IM: Like Trevor said, “Bro-Bot”.
TD: His crying scene was the worst. It was like he decided “Oh, this is the part where a Human would cry”. He’s got a jar of hot sauce in one pocket, and a tub of lube in the other. That’s Chapter 2 of The Game.
IM: So, who’s your favourite now Trev? Now that all yer boys are gone.
TD: Hell, I might just throw in with Nick. When I go to Medieval Times I like cheering for the bad guy – might as well do the same here.
CWB: Toe/Toad-Face (Joe). Bumbling southern feller with a face that looks like it’s been squashed horizontally between a vice for a bit.
TD: There’s no way he’s going to make it all the way, Claire.
CWB: If he makes it to the end and if someone were to ask him to give up his spot he’d be like, “Well, of course ma’am, I’d be much obliged”. He’d call Chris Harrison “ma’am”.
IM: Oh yeah he’s a sweetheart. I think my fave is Pretty Boy Ben H. Yeah, Joe would just cave.
TD: It would be Nick, and he wouldn’t ask nicely. He’d just be like “You’re in between me and Kaitlyn’s thighs, bro”.
CWB: Joe would be all, “You won it fair and square, pard’ner”
TD: I hope it comes down to those two in the end.
IM: Oh no, Schnoz is sticking around I bet. He’s in there now. I really hope Nick sticks around though ‘cause he’s pure entertainment. Evil and slimy.
CWB: I dunno man, I think Schnoz won’t last. Kaitlyn will put him out of his misery. That last rose was a pity rose. Or a “please don’t go into a blind rage and choke me” rose.
TD: No, they’re going to get married and stay together forever and have a dozen kids. That’s how this show works, right?
CWB: Okay kittens. We done here? Any parting shots?
IM: Just give Kait a night off to have a proper sleep.
TD: Oh please. She really needs to wake up without a hangover one of these days.
Tune in next week for more lighthearted badinage!
Images via ABC