Top ‘O the Hangover To Ye’! We’re still in the Emerald Isle this week as we witness the spiritual disassemblage of our remaining contestants. Not sure what they’re subsisting on at this point because they’ve basically stopped including meals with the dates. Hopefully Chris Harrison is administering Vitamin B-12 shots into everyone’s tushes; he’s such a mother hen!
This week, Isa ‘n I (along with Trevor, but he couldn’t appear on the recap) choked down what might be the most migraine-inducing beverage ever created (and with the most depressing name): something called “Girls Night Out.” It’s difficult to actually type out the name of it without feeling pain radiating through my cranium. Let’s just log-roll right into this.
Isa Montagnese: Let’s start by talking about your new abbreviation that I wrote down last night: RelCon. Where did you come up with this little gem, Claire?
Claire Ward-Beveridge: Oh yeah, derived from ‘Relationship Connection’ which is a phrase that was tossed around a bunch on last night’s episode and whose abbreev’ also sounds like futuristic killing machine.
IM: Ha, all those brobots are in RelCon-Mode.
CWB: Fully Engaged. I’m trying to remember if anyone cried this week. That one feller, I always forget his name, he has the most insane Dorito-shaped jawline… He did, right? Or he just looked perma-welled-up.
IM: Jared, yes. Poor baby.
CWB: Ryan Schnozling (Shawn) was having hard go of things. Trevor made a great analogy about finding a dying animal on a nature show and it just needing to be put out of its misery. I feel like Jared was in a similar head space.
IM: Both of them look like they’re barely holdin’ on there. Kaitlyn told Schnoz she slept with Nick and he was like, “I gotta go, I need to readjust my impossibly tight pants.”
CWB: “I can’t feel my taint.” He probably had a little power-sob in the bathroom. Whatever he did, he totally came back to the couch, like, oddly sobered up.
IM: And with a full speech prepared! “ I can’t be mad, I can’t be mad.”
CWB: Someone talked him off the ledge. Chris Harrison probably popped out from under the sink and gave him a little shoulder rub.
IM: Haha. He’s always around. So, Schnoz and Kait are tighter than ever in my opinion, but you feel a bit differently, yes?
CWB: I’ve gone back and forth on this. I think he has a shot at “the final rose” [gag], but he’s been such an infant about so much of this and I can see him kinda losing steam in the final coupla eppies. They’ve teased some kind of altercation between Schnoz and Nick, so we’ll have to see. You think he’s got it locked?
IM: I kind of agree, but I think she’s spent too much time tending to him to just let him leave. Like one would a puppy … or a wound.
CWB: She’s put a lot of emotional work into keeping him relatively calm, yeah. But like, I can’t really see any chemistry between them besides some weird, like, Oedipal mother-son thing, in a way. They like, sorta made out for a bit I guess there, though.
IM: That’s so true, and compared to Nick, the horniest man alive, he can’t compete.
CWB: And compared to Ben H’s sparkly fuckin’ adorable face. Schnoz only looks appealing when he’s actually enjoying himself. Otherwise he looks like a melting candle.
IM: So shiny and greasy.
So let’s talk about who got kicked in the heart this week: Poor baby Jared is out after a very dramatic rose ceremony, but the best kick-out last night was Toad Face (Joe), yer fave.
CWB: Jared needed to go home and get in his Snuggie® in front of some HGTV for suresies. Yeah, Joe kinda killed me. I miss that amphibian mug already, man. You could tell he suspected he might be on the chopping block ’cause as soon as he got some alone time with our girl he just blurted out a string of declarations. He even said something about wanting to kiss her face forever or kiss her old face or something?! Which, I’m weak for that shit — when dudes are like, “Hell yeah, I’ll still bang you when you’re ancient, girl.”
IM: Aw, so romantic. Yeah and she was just slowly inching away.
CWB: She couldn’t even look him in his mud-skipper eyes. Cut the cord right away.
IM: And he just lost it in the most Southern way, just clammed right up.
CWB: And then threw a little fit. God, I wish he’d stomped his foot or bitten his fist. What did he say? “I don’t have shit to say to you” or something? He was just hurt, man. Saying you’re in love with someone and that you wanna smooch on their old lips someday, then 90 seconds later being rejected has got to be rough on the ol’ ego.
IM: I wonder if any of those dudes do it on purpose like, “I need to get outta Ireland I’m so damned cold. I’ll just tell her I love her and that I wanna see how gross she is when she’s old and she’ll kick me off. Fingers crossed.”
CWB: Ha. Now that’s clever. And requires serious acting, it would seem.
IM: He could do it! I can’t understand what he’s saying most of the time anyway.
CWB: He does have that mumble-y southern drawl that sounds like a bunch of wooden blocks falling down carpeted stairs. I think Frogman was fer real though.
IM: Agreed. Just snapped like a twig.
CWB: “Dang Nabbit! [tosses 10 gallon hat on ground]”
IM: Ha, ha! I admit he’s way more fun than my current fave Ben H., that sparkly mannequin.
CWB: God, he is. The kind of face that’s too good to be real, too shiny and magnetic and just … you wanna mush it hard. And then sit on it; amirite, ladies?
IM: So saucy, Claire! He doesn’t even sweat. And we found out at the rose ceremony he’s weirdly tall! I mean, relatively speaking. He’s only my favourite ’cause there’s no one else to like at this point.
CWB: If he lost or gained 15 lbs and had a facial scar or something he’d be perfect.
IM: Oh yes, like Dinklage on Game of Thrones.
CWB: Yeah, some dirt in his sandwich, so to speak. Did any of the dates have anything remarkable about them? I don’t even remember what they did.
IM: Uh no, I don’t remember either. So, no. Oh! But Ben H. did tell a sob story about his ex and Kaitlyn got real suspicious about whether he’s a virgin or not after he then went on about how he couldn’t wait to “talk all night” with her. The producers milked that real good.
CWB: That was a fun little moment — we (us two gals plus friend of the column, Trevor Dunseith) all just ran with that possibility right away, “He’s 26? Okay, so that’s virginity with a religious motivation behind it, yep.”
IM: We got sucked in so easily. But when she asked him if he was, he was like, “…no.”
CWB: Which was kind of too bad? It would’ve made things a bit interesting. I don’t think we’ve seen a male virg’ on a Bachelor show yet. Anyway, his ex-girlfriend sob story did nothing for me and I don’t buy that he actually felt “unlovable” as a result.
IM: He’s too perfect for ladies not to love him, it’s such a reach. Kait was doin’ that classic Bachelorette thing where she only got into the moment with him because he’d finally “opened up.”
CWB: Yeah, that’s true, “I love that you told me that you hate yourself!” Which is an oddly negging move, like something Nick would really get off on. Or good ol’ now-defunct Ian.
IM: So, I follow Kaitlyn on Instagram (I also just found Chris Harrison’s Insta — it’s pure gold) and her stylist posted a pic of her in that nuts disco-ball dress. In it, he’s putting her shoes on and the caption was something like, “I made her dress so tight she couldn’t bend to put her shoes on, ha ha!”. She’s in a prison — a disco prison. This reminds me, there was one weird moment on Kaitlyn and Nick’s fantasy suite date where the show pulled a “hilarious” prank on them and told them their suite was in a dungeon cell of an old-ass prison. Nick was so into it.
CWB: Oh man he was like salivating at the thought. I bet he fancies himself a Christian Grey type or some shit.
IM: Ew ew ew, yes.
CWB: P.S. Isa, that wine last night was intense. My sugary headache gives a shout out to Girl’s Night In.
IM: On sale now at the LCBO! Okay let’s kill this fucker! Claire, who’s your favourite hunk now?
CWB: Fuck. It’s Ben H. It’s gotta be. I can’t get behind Schnoz anymore and Nick looks more and more like a weird date-rape-y, pan-flute carrying faun to me.
IM: Ha! We’re still waiting for someone to snatch that wig off him, like you said. Anyhoo, I can’t waaaait for home/family visits next week.
CWB: Yeah man those’ll be a goddamned treat, I’m praying.
Tune in next week for more tear-soaked insanity!
Images via ABC