Hiya pals! Good god in heaven, we’re almost done, aren’t we? We can’t believe it either. We’re so glad you’ve stuck around this long (all 1 of you, hi Auntie Janet!) and we definitely felt the bolstering of other emotional beings bearing all of the heartache and sugary next-day migraines. Because Isa and I are only fucking HUMAN for god’s sake, we were unable to get last week’s episode to you in a timely manner. We present it now in it’s full form along with this week’s tacked onto the end like a steaming box of poutine at the end of a hard night of pounding chardonnay.
Isa Montagnese: Alright, because we totally flaked out last week, last week’s episode centered on this: only three bros (Shawn aka Ryan Schnozling, Nick and Ben H.) are left and Kaitlyn is feeling “confused” (I don’t believe it) and Ben? Aka Sparkly Mannequin. He’s in love, is he? Hell, no.
Claire Ward-Beveridge: Ben H. Short for “handsome”? Too easy. Horny? Definitely not.
I don’t think he’s in love. If he is, it’s very basic, reserved, like, Victorian-era levels of love/lust.
IM: Oh you’re so right, “Yes, madam you look lovely this evening.”
CWB: Like, at one point Kaitlyn’s talking about him and summarizing her feelings for him and when she says something like, “and sometimes he really surprises me…”, they cut to a moment when he dips her for a kiss. Like, “Oh wow, how Disney prince of you, Ben.” He’s gorgeous and very sweet, but it’s not enough for the girl. Not enough for most girls I would say.
IM: Not when he has to compete with ass-grabber Nick. But you’re guessing ol’ Benny will be the next Bachelor and I think you’re spot on! He’s perfect!
CWB: Yeah he’s too perfect. Like, before the dudes took her home to meet their families, we (Isa, Trevor & I) were discussing just what these families would be like, and we all agreed they’d just have been spawned from Mattel. But this really would apply mostly to Ben, I think. He’s like a Stepford husband. Yet, she told him first that she was falling for him. Maybe she was just trying to get in his knickers
IM: She was sucked in by his flawless face. And did she ever want to get in his pants!
So, she had two overnights this episode, one with Benner and one with Schnoz, right?
CWB: She did yeah, and they’re still in fucking Ireland. Each of the overnights were in a fuck-Castle of some kind.
IM: The show ran out of money while they were there. Too many castle dinners.
CWB: Ha, yeah. Totally some kind of tourism agreement between ABC and that country.
IM: Separate castles… so many to choose from.
CWB: One for each of your hangovers. I bet Chris Harrison sleeps in the servant’s quarters though.
IM: In that old timey jail cell.
CWB: Yeah! Wearing a burlap tunic. Ok, so first she had a sleepover with Ben, then ole Schnoz.
IM: Urgh I can’t… do I like him? Do I hate him?
CWB: Yeah, I was quite into Schnoz at first, then not so much when he kept throwing fits, and now I’m back on board? I suppose comparatively because he seems a bit more real than Ben and less irritating and gross than Nick. God I wish they could divulge more about the actual sex; it’s just as vital as any other relationship aspect. She just said something like “I slept for 2 hours” or some shit.
IM: Agreed! Not even a hint of what it’s like! Her comment could mean he’s a heavy cuddler and took up the whole bed. Big heavy arms weighing her down.
CWB: Yeah, maybe he has sleep apnea and was hooked up to a giant machine all night. So Kaitlyn and Schnozling went golfing and I must say, he sure can fill out a pair of beige slacks. And they golfed for like, 10 seconds before she got bored.
IM: There are like 10 butt shots in this eppy! She dares him to run around naked and before he gets those tight pants off he reveals he’s wearing some kind of tight running pant thing instead of undies.
CWB: Yeah like full length thermal leggings underneath his tight chinos. And of course ABC slaps big ole black squares from navel to knee.
IM: Boo, ABC why do you think we’re watching?!
So overnights aside, Benny gets the boot and Nick tries to smooth things over with Schnoz and it does not go well.
CWB: I was surprised at how relatively into Schnoz’s dismissal of Nick I was. Nick cornered him quite literally as he was leaving Fuck Castle #2 and Schnoz sat for like 90 seconds (sleeves rolled up threateningly) before just shooing him out.
IM: Yes I agree! Good for him! And the best scene of the night was the end of the rose ceremony where they made Nick and Schnoz just stand there drinking champagne in silence until they were released. The whole show should be like that, just long awkward moments.
CWB: Oh god I’m going to try and find a screen-cap of that. That was so weird. For sure the producers just wanted to see them squirm.
IM: It was great, I was so into it.
So the next was HOME VISITS.
CWB: Okay, so instead of flying Kaitlyn to the respective hometowns, they wrangle the families into one weird hotel. Like, the Overlook Hotel if it was made in 1995.
IM: Very odd but easier I guess logistically. Did they do both families in one day?
CWB: It was hard to tell! It felt like there was the same amount of daylight for each. I bet they did it over two days. Or it was all set in a Truman Show-like universe.
IM: That seems likely. Okay, Nick’s family first! Huge family.
CWB: Near-Duggar proportions. The mom seemed a bit… off. Like perma-teary-eyed. Like, “I’m in the throes of menopause and hungover”. I bet she’s into crystal therapy.
IM: And those “ethnic” necklaces that she probably got at the hemp shop downtown. His family has done this before! They’re Bachelorette veterans!
CWB: Yeah, which is nuts! At one point while the family was waiting for Kaitlyn ‘n Nick to make their entrance, his little sister (couldn’t have been more than 12) just burst into tears. It was a bit unsettling.
IM: Poor thing, she’s tired and underfed too.
CWB: oh for sure. They’re all on Rev and Rev 4 Kids (with only .5% alcohol).
IM: Ha ha! Super safe. Next, was Schnoz! Oh his family was my favourite. They were way more real and small town.
CWB: Agreed. His sisters felt like gals I’d gone to high school with.
IM: But no mum?! Mystery! You’d think a show like this would demand a mum-chat.
CWB: Oh totally. “She couldn’t make it.” – Either she’s insane, extremely terrified of cameras or she’s ill or something.
IM: Yeah… but when they don’t say, it usually means she’s in the witness protection program. The dad was great – some rapid fire questions then was just like… “ok cool, son.”
CWB: Ha, ha yeah, the music cue during that bit was just so classic reality show like, “uh oh, dad’s not happy…sinister string-synths… oh, OH never mind we’re safe, we’re back in a major key now”.
IM: Thanks musical cue! Ok, anything we missed in that episode?
CWB: I think we got all the pert deets! Alright, so this week was the requisite HASHING EVERYTHING OUT IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE episode always needs to happen on these shows. It’s such a strange thing. Anyway, “The Men Tell All” was uh… quite something.
IM: Oh man, it was like mad high drama followed super boring parts. All I wanted to see really is what JJ and Clint had to say and they really dragged that shit out. ‘Cause nothing’s funnier to an almost 90% hetero audience than a whole lotta gay jokes!
CWB: Holy shit, I mean, I knew they’d go there, but they really just wallowed in that shit. The shallowest, most pandering jokes. When I think about men being terrified of each other in that way it really makes me sad.
IM: They brought it up and made them talk about it, then put J.J. in the hot seat and made him explain himself and then Kaitlyn came out and she tried to make jokes about it as well. We get it.
CWB: Yeah, like, Kaitlyn, you’re better than that.
IM: You’re so right about the terrified thing, there’s such a fine line between being bros and lovers for dudes.
CWB: Oh my god, yeah. Like the rest of the contestants were all so threatened by their friendship and kept trying to define it as either an evil alliance or some kind of revolting, sexually charged thing to be admonished.
IM: Poor JJ! They just let him go and he dug himself a real big hole, then he was quiet the rest of the show.
CWB: Yeah that guy has some serious issues to unpack. And when they showed the clip of him hitting himself it was so sad and weird to me. Like, you only hit yourself like that if you’ve been hit a lot.
IM: And he had tried to do it in privacy/off camera at the time and they friggin’ showed it again! And made him watch! So that was what strikes me as so odd about this show, they force the dudes (and Kaitlyn too, I guess) to watch themselves in super vulnerable situations, like conversations about their feelings or their pasts. It must be humiliating.
CWB: It must be yeah, like a weird out of body experience or some shit. Chris Harrison also read out disparaging, violent tweets to Kaitlyn about her (I feel like these were all vetted with her first?) and it was an oddly interesting moment. I know you had mixed feelings about this, but I thought it was kind of bold for television like this? It was certainly unprecedented. It felt like they were trying to nudge some gender stuff a bit. I could be giving them way too much credit here.
IM: Yeah this was a weird one. I totally agree that they should address the very obvious slut-shaming that’s been directed at her (and I wish they knew the term slut shaming and had used it on the show) and I’m happy everyone on the show is on her side. Like let her date the way she wants to date. Duh! It’s her fucking show. But: I was not happy about Chris reading super harsh tweets to her face – it’s almost like a double punishment. And I agree: I bet she approved which ones were read on air,but man…. do they need to be read to her face? Or could they have addressed the issue without specifics?
CWB: Yeah I can see that for sure. Maybe to make the moment powerful or something?
IM: Definitely for the drama. When all the dudes were challenging her about her choices she had the best answer: “You try dating 12 dudes at once!”
CWB: Yeah man, she’s quite good at explaining herself. Best bachelorette in modern human history.
IM: For sure! (Not that I really know)
CWB: Ok I’m losing steam here. In short: we’re down to Nick and Shawn now.
IM: Yes! The two wieners we thought would be left: one total dirt bag and one 5 year old on the brink of a tantrum! So tune in next week!
CWB: THE FINAL WOES. PEACE OUT EVERYONE. Start stocking up on Whyte Whyne now before your local establishment declares a shortage.
Images via ABC