Wow what a wonderful experience this was, eh? Did anyone reading this actually tough out the whole season? Is this the first time you’re reading our re-caps? Maybe you just have a Google alert for white+wine+jizz+crying. Either way, we sincerely thank you for whatever reason you’re here. On this finale recap we were joined by my lovely baby sister, Hannah, who has always had such biting, creative, vile insights into the show, we just had to have her officially weigh-in. This one is a bit lengthier than other de-briefs, but we couldn’t have it any other way – we needed to talk about celebrity lookalikes and wine and semen to the extent of their natural conclusions. It’s theraputic for all. Anyway, it’s been a real slice reporting for all of you out there – perhaps we’ll see you again soon!
Claire Ward-Beveridge: Well, we fucking did it. We watched the whole thing.
Hannah Ward-Beveridge: Jesus Christ.
Isa Montagnese: It’s over! <frown emoticon>
CWB: As the world already knows by now, Kaitlyn chose Chris Harrison. Psych! It was our dear friend Shawn, a.k.a. Ryan Schnozling.
HWB: I’m pretty bummed I missed seeing Nick’s family.
CWB: Oh yeah, they were kind of a treat.
IM: They were a huge fam’ and the mum was equally as manipulative and as cry-y as Nick.
CWB: The mom didn’t stop crying for a second and sort of triggered other family members to cry. They all seemed troubled.
HWB: Did she have a goober mouth too?
CWB: I think she did, yeah. In my head she looked like a plainer version of present day Courtney Love.
IM: Yes! So much, but with Kate Gosselin hair.
HWB: Crosses on her eyes.
CWB: Marilyn Manson-style white contacts – the whole family had those.
HWB: They made Kaitlyn wear them.
CWB: Chris Harrison went out of his way to wear them too. Like, “No, you don’t need these.”, “Yes I do”.
HWB: “I’m Kaitlyn’s new dad.”
CWB: Then they all touched tongues in the shape of a pentagram.
IM: I can’t believe he’s been doin’ that show for 14 years.
CWB: It’s bonkers. How old do we think he is?
HWB: 114, but he has kid-skin sewn on annually.
IM: It looks great.
CWB: Oh yeah he’s like a body snatcher.
HWB: He would emotionlessly take your skin.
CWB: “Oh, thanks.” I hope he personally knows Ryan Seacrest.
IM: They have a club like the Freemasons.
HWB: Oh for sure they’re like Coke and Pepsi.
CWB: Exactly. They probably finish each other’s sentences so often. I like the idea of Harrison being a surrogate pep-pep for Kaitlyn.
HWB: Me too. He was probably so happy that finally someone boinked someone else before the fantasy suite time.
IM: He probably handed her a condom every time he saw her
CWB: “Here you go, hun.”
HWB: Anyway, I must say I was surprised at last night’s results. They tricked me. I thought I’d see that shit coming but maybe the spritzers clouded my judgement.
CWB: They did. You got Trick’d. Majorly.
IM: I knew all along, suckers!
CWB: Yeah! Ok this is the first time we’ve revealed that ole Isa here knew the whole time who won. Isa, please explain yourself.
IM: Well, I was trying to find hilarious gifs for one of our recaps weeks ago and instead found a screen-cap of a snap that Kaitlyn sent out showing her and Schnoz’ all cozy in a bed and the article said she accidentally (yeah right) revealed the winner. Not letting it slip was the hardest thing I ever had to do, man… rough few weeks.
HWB: I can’t believe you pulled through.
IM: Thank you, thank you very much. Honestly the show got me too cause I started doubting my sources! And Nick was so sure!
HWB: They are damn good. They could make you believe that Schnoz was a woman.
CWB: Or that he was a cartoon squirrel. And yeah Nick was affronted when she rejected him. Like a dark cloud just came over him.
IM: Oh man, I should have seen that coming. That kid threw a fit.
HWB: “YOU DON’T LOVE ME?!”
IM: You’ll never get to be The Bachelor that way, bro.
HWB: Nope he’s had his first and second chance. He’ll be on Fuck-Sport Island [Bachelor in Paradise] though.
CWB: Oh he for sure will. He’s too insane to be The Bachelor. I bet he has very deep seated mommy issues.
IM: He clammed right up and then started blaming her for stringing him along.
CWB: When the dudes met Kaitlyn’s parents, Nick had very weird speeches prepared and didn’t include Kaitlyn’s little Cheri Oteri-mom in on the proposal chat.
HWB: Kaitlyn’s dad should be the next bachelor.
CWB: Oh my GOD yes the dad! The sweet little dad! He’s like the Geico lizard
IM: But Schnoz killed it with the fam!
HWB: Oh yeah big time.
IM: Presents for the sister’s kids, asking for the parents blessings…
CWB: The lovely sister cinched it for him
IM: She needs to be on the Bachelor.
HWB: Another surprise for me was learning that Schnoz’s name was Shawn!
CWB: Ha ha! Shawnling.
IM: Yes! His full name is actually Shawn Schnoz Jones.
HWB: Say that 5 times fast.
CWB: And he’ll appear behind you.
IM: And shame you into loving him.
CWB: Ok let’s talk about Kevin Spacey’s special appearance! [the engagement ring salesman looked uncannily like a certain Oscar winning Jack Lemmon impersonator]
HWB: Terrifying. Same wig for sure and bad ring selections. Like what’s with the cramming as many diamonds on as you can? I must say I hate how the dude is the one that proposes.
CWB: Yeah it’s so archaic. You’d think Kaitlyn might insist on proposing herself.
IM: It would have saved Schnoz from trying to bend in that suit. Yeah I would’ve loved that.
HWB: Yeah she’s so damned controversial, i.e. “slutty”.
CWB: Yeah! It’s insane how much this season “rocked” America. I wonder how the ratings compared to past seasons.
HWB: Pretty stinkin’ high, I bet.
CWB: We never got to see Nick’s ring choice, did we? Oh god, and his double ring toss in the limo!
IM: Oh yes! Loved it.
HWB: Ha ha ha! Yes. Highlight for sure.
CWB: Such a little toddler.
IM: I liked him way more after that. Like, “Yeah, no I don’t care about her at all… I wanted to WIN.”
CWB: I wish he’d tossed it right in front of her.
HWB: I wish he just swallowed them.
CWB: Cut to Chris Harrison sticking his fingers down Nick’s throat.
HWB: Like a cat.
CWB: Ha, ha yeah, Nick is doing that high pitched wheezing sound, Chris is trying to nudge him away from the Persian rug and instead onto the linoleum.
CWB: Yes, very. Just gaudy and she’s too petite for a high neck like that. She has small town taste.
IM: She’s so mini.
HWB: I wanna pick her up.
CWB: According to the Internet she’s 5’4″. So did she make the right choice do you gals think?
HWB: Out of those two, yes. Out of all the men, no
HWB: Bring back cupcake.
IM: He should be the next Bach… he’d just cry the entire time. And then demand they do every date on Broadway.
HWB: “This time we’re doing WICKED.”
CWB: Ha! Yeah I liked Toad-Boy (Joe) but he wouldn’t have been able to handle the jealousy either.
IM: Almost as bad as Nick.
CWB: God no. Not many could, really. Only Jared actually seemed like a good person.
HWB: He ruled. And Ben H. Hey, is he the next bachelor?
IM: They didn’t say! This time they had better do a double bachelor and let the girls choose – it’s only fair.
CWB: Kaitlyn’s dad and Larry King.
IM: I’d pick the dad and call him ‘daddy’ the whole time.
HWB: Me too. I wanna hang with Kaitlyn’s sis.
CWB: Yeah same! I bet she loves to get tipsy, smoke a blunt and L.O.L. hard.
IM: Same. She’s so fun. So what did we think of the whole damn season?
HWB: Pretty good I must say… it was nice to see a more-chill Bachelorette.
CWB: Yeah man chill and fairly down to earth and she did exactly what she wanted for the most part. At least it seemed that way.
HWB: I liked how much she just kicked dudes off.
IM: I haven’t seen any other seasons so I have no context but mostly she seemed like she didn’t give a shit. Make out with every dude? Sure! Kick ‘em off for being too whiny? Yep.
CWB: Like, “Just get the hell outta here.” She was well spoken too. I just loved her pissed-off face which made appearances with Ian and then with Nick in the After the Final Rose interview.
HWB: Guys we know why we love her… She’s Canadian.
CWB: Yeah! Exactly.
IM: You’re right!
HWB: Man, Chris Harrison was really trying to stir shit during the After the Final Rose thing.
IM: Yeah and no one was really having it. Like “No, we’re cool.”
HWB: “But are you?”
IM: Someone should try and fight Chris on a season.
HWB: Omg he would laser beam them with his robot eyes. Or his nipples.
CWB: His jaw would unhinge and he’d just eat them.
HWB: Slooowly. Then sleep for 3 days
CWB: Ha, in the forest like a big ole lazy anaconda.
HWB: Do you imagine him naked or in a suit?
CWB: He’s in a suit for sure.
IM: Just a shirt and jacket, no bottoms.
CWB: But with shoes and sock garters. Ok final talking point: WILL THIS LAST?
HWB: Hmmmmm… no.
IM: No, it won’t.
CWB: I just saw on the “news” that the couple will pay Jimmy Kimmel $1000 each if they break up. Which is a low price, I think. Make it $10,000. And Chris Harrison has to shave his eyebrows off.
IM: One day Schnoz will freak out and break a door and leave.
HWB: Yeah just walk out through a wall like the Kool-Aid man.
CWB: He’ll hack into her Twitter account and go apeshit about PM’s from 2013.
IM: Or she’ll cheat on him – I’m sorry, but it’s true
HWB: Yeah, or he’ll cheat out of insecurity.
IM: If it’s with Nick I’d be real into that. Then Schnoz compromises and they have a threesome.
HWB: Yeah Schnoz and Nick just need to hump it out
CWB: I picture “Cotton Eyed Joe” playing full blast while they do. Harrison on fiddle.
HWB: Cupcake circles them in his Cupcake-mobile.
CWB: Ok Let’s wrap ‘er up. Are you guys gonna watch Fuck-Sport Island?
HWB: Hell yes. It’s even better as a show.
CWB: It IS man, they get all the crazies in one spot, feed ‘em booze in the hot sun, “Ok, CRY!”
IM: They seem just sweaty, drunk and tired.
HWB: And HORBY. *horny. Me so horby.
CWB: CRYGASM ISLAND.
IM: HORBY ISLAND.
HWB: Sand-Jizz Island.
CWB: Ha ha oh there’s so much jizz in that sand. I bet a whole new species of crab has spawned from it
HWB: They’re super strong and tanned crabs.
IM: But emotionally weak.
CWB: Ok GOILS we did it. What a wonderful time it was.
IM: It was the best of times.
HWB: It was the horbiest of times.
IM: I’m having white wine withdrawal already.
CWB: Me too, I need an I.V. drip. So maybe we’ll see everyone on the Island!
IM: Horby Island here we come!
HWB: See you on the island! Coconut-flavoured condoms for all.
Images via ABC